Obama: "It's Not A Bolshevik Plot, Dammit! It's A Stalinist Scheme!"

Although his address to Republican lawmakers was initially billed as an attempt at bipartisan conciliation, President Barack Obama suffered a mental China Syndrome when conservatives failed to sufficiently curtsy, grovel, prostate themselves at his feet, and perform fellatio on his official, presidential signet ring with built-in whistle and magic decoder. Apparently, the egomaniacal leader of the free world felt that, by sheer force of personality, his presence in Republican chambers would lead to their slavish devotion and maybe even lots of presents.

Obama, blowing a gasket over Republicans refusal to embrace his health care bill, launched into a tirade during which he blamed George Bush for creating bread mold.

“If you were listen the debate, you’d think this was some sort of Bolshevik plot,” said the addled president, who then dropped to his knees, did 20 girl-style push-ups, and praised both Allah and Popeye the Sailor Man. “You’re telling constituents that ‘this guy is doing some crazy stuff to destroy America.’ But, let me tell you, you don’t have any room to negotiate with me.”

Republicans at this point burst into laughter, wondering why, if they had zero negotiation room, health care was all but dead.

“This IS NOT a Bolshevik plot; this is a Stalinist scheme,” screamed Obama as he waved around the toy phaser-gun he had smuggled off the set when he appeared in the movie "Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan". “The stuff I’m doing to destroy the country is not crazy in the least. I thought it out pretty well, and it’s not my fault if a bunch of stupid citizens don’t understand what is good for them. You WILL listen to me, or I will put creatures in your bodies to control your minds.”


Shocked Republicans drank a glass of water and ordered pizza, while Obama donned a sun dress, danced about the room, and sang that old favorite "In Heaven, There Is No Beer."


"I'll get you, my pretties . . . and your little Venusian slurptile too," remarked Obama as he fled the room and vomited up an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes. "The Federation will hear of this!"