Pelosi to Vancouver Olympics: "Screw You . . . Sucka!"

Confusing the entryway to her plastic surgeon's office with a last-ditch effort to pass Barack Insane Obama's Marxist healthcare bill, Nancy Pelosi today announced the training regimen her giant eyeballs will utilize on their road to the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

"We will go through the gate. If the gate is closed, we will go over the fence. If the fence is too high, we will pole vault in. If that doesn't work, we will parachute in. But we are going to get health care reform passed for the American people for their own personal health and economic security and for the important role that it will play in reducing the deficit.

"Moreover," Pelosi continued, "if the parachute school is closed we will crash-land in a hang glider. If we get tangled up in power lines with the hang glider we will land at the speed of 20,000 mph in the Space Shuttle. If the Space Shuttle is missing some tiles, we will book passage on the Starship Enterprise and beam ourselves into a time machine, at which point we will go back to the year 14 BC and invent the Bic lighter, which will make people worship us as gods or god-like beings, simply because we can make fire leap from our hands, thus leading to the entrenchment in the minds of all people/sheep for all times/places that liberals have the power to summon life-giving flame from their fingertips. If none of that works we'll just build a bunch of prisons and fill them with conservatives and then will kill them all, but not until my giant eyeballs have had sex with the cute ones like Rush."