Robertson Recants! Now Says Haitian Earthquake "caused by Vikings"

Alleged Christian, televangelist, and host of TV's 700 Club, Pat Robertson, today recanted his earlier, controversial statements that the Haitian earthquake was a demonstration of divine wrath.

“After having a really nifty dream while I was trashed on sacramental gin, I would like to clarify my earlier statements,” claimed the TV preacher, noted for his flirtations with insanity and public displays of gout. “I was wrong when I said that when they were under the heel of the French - you know Napoleon the third and whatever – the Haitians got together and swore a pact to the devil. My original belief was they told that old devil 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.' True story. It was my assumption that the devil said, 'Ok it’s a deal.' And they kicked the French out. I figured that because of all this devil power, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free, and ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

Robertson now swears on a gigantic pile of empty Thorazine vials that he was a smidgen wrong.

“It was misinterpretation on my part, and I have now been shown that the Vikings were at fault. Not those Minnesota Vikings . . . I mean the ones that rape, pillage, plunder, and wear big horns on their helmets. Those horns are the sign of Satan, and Vikings were known for sea travel, and I’ve seen that they sailed to Haiti and jumped up and down on the ground real hard,” babbled Robertson as he disrobed before a studio audience and coated himself with corn meal. “It’s partly the Haitians fault – they didn’t fight hard enough – but it’s hard to beat a real, live Viking.”