Clyburn Urges Spending Invisible Money. "It's there; you just can't see it!"

In a statement hailed by credit card companies and loan sharks as “brilliant,” and condemned by every economist not on the Obama payroll as about as smart as smoking around an open tanker of gasoline, the third-ranking House member today stated that he knew how to save the economy.

According to Rep. James Clyburn of South Carolina, the key to prosperity is as simple as going into even more debt, and spending funds that don’t exist.

"We're not going to save our way out of this recession," the majority whip said. "We've got to spend our way out of this recession. I think most economists know that, just like they know that all good things come from Santa and that Obama will someday rise to the heavens in a glistening, white chariot. The smartest economists in the world, and especially those that reside in boxes or over a steam grate, know that the only way you could ever pay off a huge credit card debt is by purchasing more stuff on credit, like flat-screen TVs and lots of booze and trips to Sea World and about 560 hours worth off 1-900 calls for phone sex. The US budget is no different . . . Main Street is no different from Wall Street, except that I think one has walls."

Clyburn, who was once named the Representative “Most likely to fall in an open sewer,” uttered his insane ramblings at virtually the same moment that Kenyan President Barack Obama announced that his proposed budget would hit the record-breaking figure of $3.8 trillion in spending for 2010. This gargantuan waste of funds would increase the nation’s already cancerous debt load by $1.7 trillion.

"You're not going to bring down the deficits, you're not going to eliminate these problems without growing this economy," said Clyburn. "And you're not going to grow the economy by wishing it; you've got to invest in it. And that's what we're doing with this budget. Were investing in crap, because the future is crap, and you know that they’re just not making more crap. We’re going to invest in the things that will finally bring down those evil bastards – the wealthy – so that can’t create the types of jobs that keep people from spending, and thus getting out of the debt they got into by spending.”


Barack Obama praised Clyburn for his insight and courage.


"He done just like I told him," said the president.