Tiger Gets Claws Trimmed

It was today reported that Tiger Woods, renowned the world over as a guy who hits a ball with a stick, is receiving treatment at a top, sex addiction program in Hattiesburg, Miss. I tell ya what, if I was a notorious slut-o-matic like Tiger, and wanted to go to a sex rehab clinic, I'd make damned sure I went to Hattiesburg, Miss. I believe the rehab center in question is located right between a bbq joint and the rust-bucket of a 1954, Ford pickup owned by some old dude who sells hot, boiled peanuts out of the back end.  Yup, all the great medical miracles come out of Mississippi.

Anyway, according to the facility's website, sex-addicted patients usually spend six weeks in this joint, receiving treatments include grope therapy, cognitive behavior therapy, and courses in "shame reduction."  I'm not exactly certain what is involved in shame reduction, but I'm guessing it involves acting really, really remorseful in what will inevitably be a humiliating and futile attempt to keep the beautiful Swedish wife upon whom you cheated (the mother of your kids, in case you forgot about them) from taking you for about $200 million dollars.

I suspect that hot oil, therapeutic massages and pole dancing therapy are also on the menu. 

Good luck to ya Tiger. When you're on your first field trip to hit the casinos in Gulfport, please try and stay away from the hookers.

By the way, you're an idiot.

Your Weakly Horriblescope

Aries • Mar. 21 - Apr. 19

There's just about a billion and one uses for duct tape, however none of them apply to your present sticky situation. If someone is on you like glue, then your only response is to adhere firmly to your beliefs.

Taurus • Apr. 20 - May 20

If a mental challenge is what you desire, then I would advise that you quit hanging out in the eraser installation section of the sheltered workshop. I admire your desire to broaden your horizons, so quit blabbing and do it.

Gemini • May 21 - Jun 20

This week you could end up being both a lender and a borrower, which is why it would be a right dandy idea to conduct financial transactions only with yourself or your bartender. Here's one on the house; keep it simple.

Cancer • Jun 21 - Jul 22

People say you have a lot of brass. This means that either you say what's on your mind or you spend a lot of time re-loading your own ammo. Both qualities are admirable, so continue to speak up and keep your powder dry.

Leo • Jul 23 - Aug 22

You should take up a hobby, and I personally feel that establishing a 400 acre nightcrawler farm would be just perfect. Such would be as much public service as hobby, and you could tick off snobby fly fishermen.

Virgo • Aug 23 - Sept 22

I told you not to buy canned goods that looked like an M-80 had gone off inside them, but no, you wouldn't listen. After you get out of the hospital please concentrate on your diet. Drink more rum. Drink less Drano.

Libra • Sept. 23 - Oct 22

The reason why New York City has a reputation for being a tad grumpy is because it's the city that never sleeps. Those who are tired have bad attitudes. Then again, if I had Bloomberg telling me I couldn’t have salt or trans-fats I’d be pissed off too.

Scorpio • Oct 23 - Nov 21

No matter if you're talking computers, chainsaws or really cheap hookers, things which claim to be "user friendly" rarely are. Check the facts before buying, and then check 'em again. It's a user unfriendly world out there. Antibiotics are helpful, by the way, for two of the aforementioned trio.

Sagittarius • Nov 22 - Dec 21

If there was a gold medal for nose picking, I think you would probably win hands down .Anyway, this info is provided just so you'll remember that car windows are made of glass and everybody can see what you're doing. Duh.

Capricorn • Dec 22 - Jan 19

James Brady may once have been Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable, but then again, Ronnie was a little confused at times.. In short, don't make fun of those whose brains have gone south. You could be next.

Aquarius • Jan 20 - Feb 18

You're getting the idea. I worried about your membership in animal activists groups, till I learned that you define animal activism as actively pursuing animals and eating the suckers. Save me a backstrap, ok?

Pisces • Feb 19 - Mar 20

I don't really care whether the chicken or the egg came first, and since I fry both of them, it really doesn't matter. Technically, I suppose the egg arrived before the chicken, but that's only 'cause I just had breakfast.

Because anything worth doing is worth totally running into the ground

A little musical interlude that is worth repeating just because of its (my) utter stupidity.

Obama Screws You Again . . . With Interest

So let me get this straight. Barack Obama wants to tax 50 banks, each with more than 50 billion dollars in assets, in order to make up for a shortfall in the 700 billion dollar bailout (Troubled Asset Relief Program . . . aka: TARP) authorized by George Bush. This, despite the fact that the majority of banks which received an infusion of TARP funds have already paid back the money, with interest?

Wow, he's a financial genius.

The fact of the matter, if anyone cares to look into this and acknowledge the truth, is that the vast majority of the 117 billion dollar shortfall that Obama claims he wants to recover for "The American People," is not owed by the banks.

General Motors and Chrysler owe 66 billion dollars of the total, and they are not subject to the tax (even though they are losing money hand over fist, and will need more taxpayer infusions to survive). The insurance conglomerate, AIG, owes about 70 billion of it. They would have to pay the tax,but Obama conveniently neglected to mention them in announcing his plan.

There was a reason for that. He has decided to make banks the boogeymen.

This move by Obama was nothing but grandstanding. He has FINALLY realized (or rather, his media people have realized) that Americans think he has been a miserable failure in terms of economic issues. He also knows that most people see Wall Street banks as evil entities, and hopes to gain empathy from voters by attacking the large financial institutions. Normally he wouldn't care about the voters, save for the fact that the anger at his administration is growing so large that it appears Democrats are going to get slaughtered in the Nov. 2010 elections.

No, friends and neighbors, Obama's bank tax is simply a gift to Democratic politicians up for election in 2010. Furthermore, consider this:

How will a tax on 50 huge banks help you, the ordinary Joe or Jane trying to make ends meet? The money collected will not go to you in any way; it will not reduce your tax burden, ease the credit crunch, or lead to the creation of jobs. In fact,it will do just the opposite. As large banks are taxed, they will pass the cost onto clients of all sizes. If the client in question is another, smaller, financial institution, this causes several problems. Faced with higher costs, the smaller institutions will close ranks and tighten belts, making credit even more difficult to obtain. If the client in question is a manufacturer or other business (anything with employees) the increased costs will lead to less expansion, a hiring freeze, and possible lay-offs.

Gee, thanks Obama. I know we're all supposed to be stupid enough to praise you for "soaking the rich," but such moves do not practically help the average American one iota. You're trying to look like the savior of "the little guy" when in fact you are screwing him blind.

Just more proof that our current president gives not a damn about anything but his warped ideology. I hope those deluded souls who applaud taxing the big banks - some of which never took TARP money, some of which were forced to take it, and almost all of which have paid back every dime - can keep the grin on their face when they are forced into foreclosure.

This is baaaaad . . . No kiddin'

According to Pravda.Ru, a lamb with a human face was recently born in a village near the city of Izmir, Turkey. This follows hot on the hooves of a goat with a human face that was born last September in Zimbabwe. The governor of the province where the Zimbabwe goat made its appearance described the critter's existence with the following words:

"This incident is very shocking. It is my first time to see such an evil thing. It is really embarrassing, The head belongs to a man while the body is that of a goat. This is evident that an adult human being was responsible. Evil powers caused this person to lose self control. We often hear cases of human beings who commit bestiality but this is the first time for such an act to produce a product with human features."

Reliable sources tell us that the governor later was heard to comment, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

In other news, Bill Clinton today announced he will be embarking on fact-finding missions to both Turkey and Zimbabwe. 

Gee Whiz . . . and it ain't even spring

  
I was just sitting here watching the Glen Beck interview with Sarah Palin (both of whom I like, but that's neither here nor there).  Forget about the politics, content, and personalities for a second. I think there was somethin' a little funny goin' on.

 If I didn't know better, watchin' these two, I'd be tempted to say I saw me a little mutual courtin' and sparkin' takin' place. Those deep, penetrating looks, those flirty, breathy voices . . . man, I'm thinkin' there was little lust in the air.

 Then again, Sarah did have on some pretty snazzy, black. Nancy Sinatra-style boots. Moreover, Valentines Day is right around the corner.

I just like stirrin' stuff up, I reckon.

The Future of Books

By

Alan Caruba

There is, I’m told, a lot of hand-wringing in the book publishing industry these days over the advent of the new, electronic means of reading books. It is a general rule that new technology drives out old technology and we have seen how rapid the growth of personal computers and the Internet has become in just a decade or two.

     Back in 1974, Ivan Sandroff approached me and other book reviewers to create the National Book Critics Circle. I had been reviewing books for some time at that point, so it is safe to say I have spent more than forty years professionally reading and reviewing.

     My reviewing has gone through several transmutations. In the beginning, I syndicated a a column called Bookviews to weekly newspapers that used it, I suspect, mostly as filler. Now most weeklies use the information provided by the local librarians. Many of the dailies have ceased to publish book review sections.

     In time, Bookviews became a stand-alone newsletter that did well enough, but it was replaced by an Internet site, www.bookviews.com of the same name and that lasted the longest.

     When it dawned on me that I could transform the website into a blog that would cost nothing to post and maintain, it becamehttp://bookviewsbyalancaruba.blogspot.com. As a website, it attracted about 50,000 visitors every month, but I have no idea how many the blog receives. I assume former website visitors now come to the blog because there is an automatic re-direct that occurs.
     I tell you this because, for two months or so, the number of review books I have received has declined dramatically from an average of three to five daily to days when none arrive. Some book publicists have suggested that the drop in 2009 book sales of approximately 20% has something to do with the decline while others correctly point out that, between the peak book-giving Christmas season and the release of books in publisher’s spring catalogs, starting in April, the decline is understandable. Others have candidly said that publishers are sending fewer review copies.

    Two things are not in decline. The production of novels continues and, if my seat of the pants evaluation is correct, it is increasing. The other thing is the production of self-published books by authors. The most distinguishing characteristic of self-published books is their general poor quality of writing and subject matter. Since they pass through no vetting process, there is no one around to tell the author they should take up another hobby.

      I worry about e-books. For one thing, you cannot apply a highlighter to elements you want to recall later on. You cannot turn down the edge of pages that are important bodies of information to consult. With real books, you needn’t worry about a low battery or storage memory capacity. You can fill the shelves of your home or apartment with them and they become constant companions and references.

    As I grew up, the living room of my former home of sixty-plus years had an entire wall of bookshelves and they contained the Harvard Classics, volumes of the world’s great wisdom, the Encyclopedia Americana, and many books about the current events of the day. My father was a voracious reader and my mother, an international authority on haute cuisine, had an entire book corner filled with the finest cookbooks of her day. She even wrote three of them herself.

      You can give your children many things, but if you give them the loving of reading, they will find the answers to everything in them, an escape into wonderful imaginary worlds, and a guarantee of a better understanding of the complex world into which they have been born.

     I do not know what the future of books will be, but I sincerely hope it is not one in which books become a purely electronic interface. When I put down a book I have just read, I feel a kinship with the author, a link to the past and to the future, and often valuable insights to the present issues of our times.

     I am encouraged that books like Sarah Palin’s sped out of the bookstores or that books like the recent one revealing the behind-the-scenes events of the 2008 election campaign will help us avoid being taken in by media manipulation, stagecraft, and empty oratory. I am encouraged that millions of youngsters were stirred by the Harry Potter series. There are the many extraordinary books for children and young adults these days.

     In the meantime, I will hope for new review copies that will help me understand the complex issues of our times and to pass the time in ways that avoid the mindless celebrity-driven drivel, predictable television dramas and sitcoms, and vile “reality” shows that pass for entertainment these days. As for the news, there is only Fox News and C-Span.

    

Read Alan Caruba daily at

http://factsnotfantasy.blogspot.com

Coincidence? I Think Not!

A mystery object from space whizzed close by Earth today, but scientists are somewhat stumped by what it was. This is not surprising, since many modern scientists are also stumped by how best to convince Americans that the recent, sub-zero temperatures are proof positive that it's getting warmer outside.

The fast-moving entity only measured between 33 and 50 feet wide, and would not have caused devastation had it hit the planet. In other words, it resembled Rosie O'Donnell a little bit. It probably would have caused quite a bit of devastation should it have landed on your car, however.

Just a thought here, but has anybody else noticed that a number of asteroids have come rather close to Earth since Barack Obama took office?

I'm thinking somebody up there doesn't like him.

A Thankfully Brief Discourse On Meat Sticks

How come the King Carnivore beef and cheese stick is not considered "the other white meat." Could it be because it tastes a little like acetate?