Obama Bows To Queen of Tampa. Says, "I just wanted to look down her shirt."

Burdened by the sheer tonnage of the lies he has been spouting for the last year, Barack Obama today bowed to the mayor of Tampa, Fl.  Upon meeting Mayor Pam Iorio at MacDill Air Force Base, on Thursday, Jan. 28, 2010, Obama bowed about half as deeply as he did to the king of Saudi Arabia.

"This is Bush's fault," said Obama. "When I took office I inherited a mess, which was compounded by a serious lack of subservience to foreign powers and a severe absence of bowing. I apologize for bowing to an actual American, and to make up for that I will drop to my knees the next time I see Osama bin Laden"

Clyburn Urges Spending Invisible Money. "It's there; you just can't see it!"

In a statement hailed by credit card companies and loan sharks as “brilliant,” and condemned by every economist not on the Obama payroll as about as smart as smoking around an open tanker of gasoline, the third-ranking House member today stated that he knew how to save the economy.

According to Rep. James Clyburn of South Carolina, the key to prosperity is as simple as going into even more debt, and spending funds that don’t exist.

"We're not going to save our way out of this recession," the majority whip said. "We've got to spend our way out of this recession. I think most economists know that, just like they know that all good things come from Santa and that Obama will someday rise to the heavens in a glistening, white chariot. The smartest economists in the world, and especially those that reside in boxes or over a steam grate, know that the only way you could ever pay off a huge credit card debt is by purchasing more stuff on credit, like flat-screen TVs and lots of booze and trips to Sea World and about 560 hours worth off 1-900 calls for phone sex. The US budget is no different . . . Main Street is no different from Wall Street, except that I think one has walls."

Clyburn, who was once named the Representative “Most likely to fall in an open sewer,” uttered his insane ramblings at virtually the same moment that Kenyan President Barack Obama announced that his proposed budget would hit the record-breaking figure of $3.8 trillion in spending for 2010. This gargantuan waste of funds would increase the nation’s already cancerous debt load by $1.7 trillion.

"You're not going to bring down the deficits, you're not going to eliminate these problems without growing this economy," said Clyburn. "And you're not going to grow the economy by wishing it; you've got to invest in it. And that's what we're doing with this budget. Were investing in crap, because the future is crap, and you know that they’re just not making more crap. We’re going to invest in the things that will finally bring down those evil bastards – the wealthy – so that can’t create the types of jobs that keep people from spending, and thus getting out of the debt they got into by spending.”


Barack Obama praised Clyburn for his insight and courage.


"He done just like I told him," said the president.

Robertson Recants! Now Says Haitian Earthquake "caused by Vikings"

Alleged Christian, televangelist, and host of TV's 700 Club, Pat Robertson, today recanted his earlier, controversial statements that the Haitian earthquake was a demonstration of divine wrath.

“After having a really nifty dream while I was trashed on sacramental gin, I would like to clarify my earlier statements,” claimed the TV preacher, noted for his flirtations with insanity and public displays of gout. “I was wrong when I said that when they were under the heel of the French - you know Napoleon the third and whatever – the Haitians got together and swore a pact to the devil. My original belief was they told that old devil 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.' True story. It was my assumption that the devil said, 'Ok it’s a deal.' And they kicked the French out. I figured that because of all this devil power, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free, and ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

Robertson now swears on a gigantic pile of empty Thorazine vials that he was a smidgen wrong.

“It was misinterpretation on my part, and I have now been shown that the Vikings were at fault. Not those Minnesota Vikings . . . I mean the ones that rape, pillage, plunder, and wear big horns on their helmets. Those horns are the sign of Satan, and Vikings were known for sea travel, and I’ve seen that they sailed to Haiti and jumped up and down on the ground real hard,” babbled Robertson as he disrobed before a studio audience and coated himself with corn meal. “It’s partly the Haitians fault – they didn’t fight hard enough – but it’s hard to beat a real, live Viking.” 

Jilted Glacier Sues Climate Change Fraudster: "He has a tiny penis."

A Himalayan glacier is suing the head of a leading climate-change watchdog group for fraud, removal of affection, and defamation of character. This according to the Nepal Daily Beggar. According to reports scrawled in the Daily Beggar, with ink made from the blood of endangered tigers, the glacier (referred to in court documents as “Rielle Hunter- Glacier”) is seeking unspecified damages from Dr. Rajendra Pachauri, CEO of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change Assessment.

Apparently, after a year’s long, very intimate relationship, Pachauri spread false rumors against Hunter-Glacier, claiming that she would disappear by the year 2035. It has since been learned that Pachauri knew this information was false, having been refuted by numerous, leading glaciologists. The doctor allegedly kept the information hidden during his recent speech to the International Climate Change summit in Copenhagen, a lie by omission that resulted in his receiving hundreds of thousands of dollars in grant money.

“At the beginning he was all sweetness and light. He told me he loved me; he told me I was the only one; he promised to take me somewhere warm,” explained a tearful Hunter-Glacier. “Then he tried to convince me that I was dying, that I would be gone in 25 years. He called me an ice queen, refused to fulfill my glacial needs, and spread horrible rumors about me. He is worse than John Edwards, and his hair is not nearly as pretty.”

Pachauri claims he consulted with Hunter-Glacier on a strictly professional level, although Professor Graham Cogley of Ontario Trent University has since refuted this statement. Cogley, one of the world’s leading glaciologists, confirms that he informed Pachauri that, even if warming trends continued at a constant rate (an unproven hypothesis at best) the Himalayan glaciers would not “disappear” for at least another 300 years.

“They seemed like a good couple, and I explained to him that they should have many years of love and passion together. However, Pachauri was just in it for the money. He used Reille Hunter-Glacier to further his own ends and to sate his own appetites. He lied, pure and simple. He never cared about either her, climate change, or the truth.”

Pachauri stubbornly denies any wrongdoing.

“That’s ridiculous. It never came to my attention before the Copenhagen summit,” he says. “It wasn’t in the public sphere. I am NO John Edwards, and what little hair I have is shiny and lustrous.”

Rielle Hunter-Glacier shot back with her own claim.

“His icicle is a little tiny thing; I’ve seen cubes that were more well endowed.”

Separated At Birth? We Purport . . . You Imbibe

Now it all makes sense to me. I have NEVER seen Michelle Obama and "Aunt Esther" from Sanford & Son in the same room at the same time. Like Spiderman and Peter Parker, or Clark Kent & Superman, or Don Knotts & Mick Jagger . . . whenever one shows up the other is "conveniently" missing.

Cowinkeydink?  I think not.

Obama: "It's Not A Bolshevik Plot, Dammit! It's A Stalinist Scheme!"

Although his address to Republican lawmakers was initially billed as an attempt at bipartisan conciliation, President Barack Obama suffered a mental China Syndrome when conservatives failed to sufficiently curtsy, grovel, prostate themselves at his feet, and perform fellatio on his official, presidential signet ring with built-in whistle and magic decoder. Apparently, the egomaniacal leader of the free world felt that, by sheer force of personality, his presence in Republican chambers would lead to their slavish devotion and maybe even lots of presents.

Obama, blowing a gasket over Republicans refusal to embrace his health care bill, launched into a tirade during which he blamed George Bush for creating bread mold.

“If you were listen the debate, you’d think this was some sort of Bolshevik plot,” said the addled president, who then dropped to his knees, did 20 girl-style push-ups, and praised both Allah and Popeye the Sailor Man. “You’re telling constituents that ‘this guy is doing some crazy stuff to destroy America.’ But, let me tell you, you don’t have any room to negotiate with me.”

Republicans at this point burst into laughter, wondering why, if they had zero negotiation room, health care was all but dead.

“This IS NOT a Bolshevik plot; this is a Stalinist scheme,” screamed Obama as he waved around the toy phaser-gun he had smuggled off the set when he appeared in the movie "Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan". “The stuff I’m doing to destroy the country is not crazy in the least. I thought it out pretty well, and it’s not my fault if a bunch of stupid citizens don’t understand what is good for them. You WILL listen to me, or I will put creatures in your bodies to control your minds.”


Shocked Republicans drank a glass of water and ordered pizza, while Obama donned a sun dress, danced about the room, and sang that old favorite "In Heaven, There Is No Beer."


"I'll get you, my pretties . . . and your little Venusian slurptile too," remarked Obama as he fled the room and vomited up an entire box of Little Debbie snack cakes. "The Federation will hear of this!"

Pelosi to Vancouver Olympics: "Screw You . . . Sucka!"

Confusing the entryway to her plastic surgeon's office with a last-ditch effort to pass Barack Insane Obama's Marxist healthcare bill, Nancy Pelosi today announced the training regimen her giant eyeballs will utilize on their road to the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver.

"We will go through the gate. If the gate is closed, we will go over the fence. If the fence is too high, we will pole vault in. If that doesn't work, we will parachute in. But we are going to get health care reform passed for the American people for their own personal health and economic security and for the important role that it will play in reducing the deficit.

"Moreover," Pelosi continued, "if the parachute school is closed we will crash-land in a hang glider. If we get tangled up in power lines with the hang glider we will land at the speed of 20,000 mph in the Space Shuttle. If the Space Shuttle is missing some tiles, we will book passage on the Starship Enterprise and beam ourselves into a time machine, at which point we will go back to the year 14 BC and invent the Bic lighter, which will make people worship us as gods or god-like beings, simply because we can make fire leap from our hands, thus leading to the entrenchment in the minds of all people/sheep for all times/places that liberals have the power to summon life-giving flame from their fingertips. If none of that works we'll just build a bunch of prisons and fill them with conservatives and then will kill them all, but not until my giant eyeballs have had sex with the cute ones like Rush."

Obama Agrees Wth Bin Laden . . . Says "Weather Is Mean."

In the lead cut from his latest album ("My Unit Looks Like A Pitchfork"  - Al Jezeera Records - ©2010) noted terrorist, coward, asshole, and all -around bastard Osama bin Laden expressed his strong beliefs toward climate change. Joining him in this deluded weatherfest, and performing as back-up vocalists, were Barack Insane Obama, Jimmy "Wuss" Carter, Nancy "Bug Eyes" Pelosi, Internet creator Al Gore " and a host of the delusional and delirious.

Many will remember Pelosi's break-out hit from earlier this year, "My Thyroid is on Steroids."

Bin Laden called on the world to boycott American goods and the U.S. dollar, blaming the super power who could make his ass glow in the dark of not only causing a rise in the temperature of the earth's crust, but also of failing to cut the crusts off his bread no matter how much he whined. Bin Laden also said that the way to stop climate change/global warming was to "Bring the wheels of the American economy to a halt."

This is quite an intellectual leap for bin Laden - leading spokesman for all people who speak in gutteral grunts and bird whistles and whose foreheads display a pronounced occipital ridge - especially when one discovers that his followers have yet to discover the wheel.

When asked if he had an qualms over joining hands with a rabid killer who should be sentenced to a lifetime of waterboarding, Barack Obama opted for a diplomatic response.

"I like to call it consensus building," he said.